I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
