I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
