You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
