I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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