come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize