Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
