apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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