i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
