The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
