i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
50% drunk capacity currently
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
