3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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