My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
