I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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