it was like his penis was on wheels.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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