I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
