I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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