I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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