I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
