Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
