Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
