I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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