Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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