This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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