he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
