I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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