Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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