It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
