I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
