Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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