That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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