You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
