Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Randomize
