I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
