Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
