I'm gonna have a badass scar
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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