I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
