I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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