she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
