dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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