I wish my penis had an off switch
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize