Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize