update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
