I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Operation Purity has been aborted
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
