Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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