This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
