i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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