She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
