There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
