and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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