I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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