Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
