She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
