Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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