is your mom at the bar?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
