I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
