i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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