did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
