her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
