the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
